W.C. Fields Quotes

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake…which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I may not be so funny. I may not be so great. But I’m damn good-looking.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive or impossible.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I like children – fried.

Horse sense is a thing that horses have which prevents them from betting on people.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

Happiness is the best facelift.

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.

Money spent on travel is never wasted.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I used to be disgusted, now I’m just amused.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I like to keep a bottle of whiskey nearby in case I encounter a snake, which I also keep handy.”

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

I never drink water because it dilutes the whiskey.

To sell a man on himself is most effective sales technique invented.

Nobody works harder or longer hours than my friend Mr. Godfrey.

It ain’t what a man knows that hurts him; it’s what he knows that ain’t so.

Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue.

Don’t worry about temptation; as you grow older it starts avoiding you.

The best cure for insomnia is a night of sleep.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn themselves over.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

I love liberty like most people love sleeping.

Happiness is nothing more than a state of mind and a bottle of booze.

I am known for running my fingers through my hair, just not my own hair.

There’s nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Believe me, rich is better.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.

Nobody forces me to work. I am tied to nothing, obliged to nothing.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I never had any ambition at all. If I did, I would probably be working and honking down a horn.